I have been having some rather mixed emotions this week. Maybe this is common, but I’m a person where fear and joy usually walk hand in hand. It’s like joy has to pay a price and fear can never really leave joy alone. I suppose I’ll learn to deal with this interaction as I get more experience.
I decided to write less on my blog so that I would have time to work on one of two ideas I have for a book. That was a difficult decision to make, and it made me sad when I had announced it on my blog. I don’t know if I can explain it. I’m not sure I understand it myself, but I think I need this blog. I can’t give it up completely because it feels like it’s keeping me sane. I need to focus/obsess about something, and my garret seems to give me exactly what I need. It relaxes me, keeps my mind occupied, educates me and helps me communicate.
My plan was to write one or two posts a week, and as I also have a Norwegian blog, I suppose that means one post on each blog, maybe not even every week. I received many very nice comments after my latest post, Wasted childhood, which surprised me. I want my words to reach other people and mean something to them of course, but when it happened for the first time after about 3,5 years of blogging, I was both glad and startled.
We have an expression in Norwegian that means you are frightened and happy at the same time. The best translation I can think of is frightful joy. These two emotions clearly contradict each other, but nevertheless I think the description is correct. I can appreciate something, but it also makes me nervous. I feel like that in many situations, when I accept an invitation to something for example. The invitation means someone wants me to join and it should make me feel flattered, but the negative usually overshadows this completely. It’s not exactly pleasant, but what can I do? It’s a fact of life.
When I send my words out in the world, I am hoping for the reception I’ve had this week, but it’s not something I expect. It’s not something I’m used to. I’m trying to make sense of this, but I’m not sure I am making any progress.
I’m starting to wonder if my decision was hasty. We’ll see, but I think it might be better if I work on my book two days a week, but also allow for some more work on my blog when that is what I need. The important thing is that I work on my book every week. This isn’t how most writers work, but I think it’ll work for me. This blog is about more then letting people know what’s on my mind. Writing about my childhood was hard, and publishing it made me just as uneasy. I appreciate the nice comments, which also helped me understand myself better, but I need to recover from this. It took a lot of energy, so I think I’ll be doing a bit of “light writing” the following days.
I have done some work on my book this week, and I believe I can find time for both if I follow my own schedule. This blog is my favourite way of communicating, and I’ve gained some new readers lately. Some that have been friendly. Much to my surprise I have reached out and made a friend. That is intriguing because people tend to walk into your life for a reason, and if they stay, I guess they sort of like that interaction. Even if they choose a more peripheral role, there is still the possibility of positive influence.
I thought it was just as well I didn’t have friends, apart from my wife. It’s hard to find those few people that fascinate me and that I want to get to know. I never understand why, but there are many people I dislike without being able to identify the reason. When it feels right I should allow it, I guess. I’m thinking now that I want these new acquaintances (Heather, Jay and nomemoleste) to stick around. I like this interaction. I guess I just had to find my people. How could I possibly leave my little garret?
By the way, this has been a good day. I found an interesting study on highfunctioning autism and NLD, and spent hours trying to understand it. I guess we have ignition confirmed and go for launch.